Trying to be...
2003-11-13 - 5:38 p.m.
I know its just me, but I feel like people are just looking at me and figuring out what's going on. I mean, I'm dressing a little bit differently (not that I've gained weight yet, but my body has already begun to redistribute itself. my pants are all way too tight in the tummy, and my shirts are hanging a bit different both due to my breasts and this slight change in my tummy), but people keep saying "you look so different" -- one person actually said that I look like I was glowing - what a fucking cliche.
So, yesterday was totally awkward with my boss-boss....which was awful because I wanted to tell my direct boss first (who I have a strong personal friendship with, and with whom I've shared all of the steps along the way....she also had fertility issues and was a wonderful comfort to me in the whole process). I wanted to tell my direct boss after I got back from vacation. At that point I would be 10 weeks, and would feel more safe in telling her. I hadn't planned to tell my boss-boss until I was officially done with my first trimester, which would be 12/18.
But nope...she caught me off guard by blurting out "are you pregnant?" and I hemmed and hawed and stuttered until she saved me by offering a gentle "you may be pregnant?".
I know she cares about me, and is thrilled for D and myself. This is an intimate agency, full of mothers (mostly, its a female oriented place) who are very supportive of families, etc. I just wasn't ready to do it yet.
But then I felt obliged to tell my direct boss, because they have a weird dynamic between them and if boss-boss said something to direct-boss, I know that direct-boss's feelings would be hurt that boss-boss knew and she didn't. And I care enough about direct-boss to not let that happen.
So yeah, they both know. And with both of them I did the whole "I am telling you as the person, and not as my supervisor" spiel, so I felt really good about being firm with that. My direct-boss did ask when I was due (which thankfully boss-boss didn't) and I told her and then said "but I'm not ready to discuss what that means business wise yet...we can talk about that after the New Year".
but yeah, I feel like people can tell by looking at me, which is a crazy paranoid thing to think, but I can't help it. Am I carrying myself differently? Emitting an aura?
D and I talk to the baby. Which is funny,because at 7 weeks, the baby is no larger than this > 0 <. Ok, a little bigger than that, but not much. But we rub my tummy and talk to it.
I am so looking forward to vacation. I'm a little nervous in case something happens while we're so far away from home, but I'm not about to stay at home and not do anything for the next 8 months. We have an itinerary set and loads to do, but also know that depending on how i'm feeling, we may do a whole lotta nothing instead.
like the true Matilda that i am, I took out 5 books from the library for the trip. Unfortunately, like the true Matilda that I am, I have already read them all....but I do have Michael Moore's new book, and Al Franken's new book, so that will be some fun reading for sure.
