Trying to be...
2003-11-02 - 9:56 a.m.
This being pregnant thing isn't easy....
physically, I'm doing fine. I'm tired, very very tired. My boobs are sore. Very very sore. I get a bit quesy here and there (mostly on the subway) and though my doc said its ok to still have my one morning cup of joe, I'm finding I'm just not as in to it as I was before. Usually I don't get through the whole cup. Oh, and the burping. D finds it pretty hysterical that I am a burp-factory. I literally cannot stop burping. Could be worse. Could be gas (though I hear that comes later).
Emotionally, this is tough. First of all, so early on, its hard to have any kind of signal that things are progessing as they should. I can't feel anything, obviously, so I often wonder "am I still pregnant?" and "is this really going to happen?". I know that I'll feel better in 2 weeks (oh, its less now! 10 days!) when I have my first ultrasound, the one where they scan for "viability". Once I see that little embryonic sac and can see the heartbeat, I'll feel more secure. But in the meantime its hard to feel confident its progressing ok without any signals (other than being tired, having sore boobs, and burping a ton).
Its also tough not telling people. I'm Jewish, I'm a big "don't count your chickens before they are hatched" kind of person. I don't plan to have a baby shower until AFTER the baby is here safe and sound. In real life, the only people who know are our immediate families (today I tell my nana. After losing her husband of 69 1/2 years last June, I'm hoping this will be a ray of sunshine to keep her going). I've told a few girlfriends, but none of whom are my day-to-day girlfriends....my Bust girlfriends who I talk to on a regular basis but don't see often enough. And of course, I've written about it here.
But I'm struggling with my other friends. Its so hard. My friends all know what we've been going through for the past year. I talked to one friend the other day, and it was like this obvious elephant in the room we didn't discuss. For the first time in months she didn't ask me how we were doing on that front. And for the first time in months I didn't offer it to her or ask for her advice. I'm thinking she's a good enough friend (and has miscarried herself) to know not to ask unless I brought it up.
Meanwhile, I have other friends that I want to see. But I don't know how I can sit across a table from them, face to face, and not tell them. But I'm not ready to tell either. Maybe after that ultrasound I will, I'm not sure. So instead, I'm finding that I'm avoiding most friends -- trying to postpone seeing them until after we get back from our vacation. By then I'll be 10 weeks. In addition to the ultrasound, we'll have had another OB appointment where we will get to HEAR the heartbeat. I'll be only 3 weeks away from my 2nd trimester, where I'll be able to tell everyone.
I hate avoiding people. Its not in my nature. But I also know I can't lie, even if its a lie of omission.
See, I told you this was tricky!
I have a feeling many of my friends will know the minute they look at me. I think that something has changed about me in the past 2 weeks since finding out - a look on my face, a glow to my skin, something. I know I'm not showing, yet I think I look different.
So yeah, I guess that is the thing. I need to not make any plans with any friends for 2 weeks. Then we are on vacation for 2 weeks, and then it will be ok to start telling. Now I just have to get through the next two weeks.
Oh, I am 5 weeks and 3 days today.
