Trying to be...
2003-10-01 - 7:01 p.m.
So I went for my ultrasound today....to see if I have PCOS and if this is one of the reasons why we can't concieve.
My appointment was at 3:30.
I went in to my appointment at 5:32.
See, the thing is, if I didn't get the test done TODAY, I would have had to wait until October 29 since it has to be done during a precise part of your cycle. And you know, after 11 heartbreaking months of bleeding, I couldn't bear to wait *another* month just to find out what is/may be wrong with me. Because that would mean *another* period, then the test, then *another* period, and then start treatment. Now we are looking at Christmas time before I even start treatment, and that is just way too long.
So they tell me its going to be a long wait and I say "Ok, I'll wait" knowing that I had taken the rest of the day off (is that bad? the day I get a kick ass 8% raise? at a non-profit? during this fiscal climate?).
Here's what I've realized:
Having an ultrasound in a clinic dubbed "Maternal/Fetal Health" is really HELL ON EARTH.
For two hours in the waiting room I was surrounded by pregnant women with their partners. Big waddly pregnant women, rubbing their bellies and arching their backs. Husbands and boyfriends and partners being sweet, nervous, antsy, and everything in between.
Then comes phase two: return of the new mommas -- those who must have been followed by the clinic who just had babies and returned to show them off to the office staff. And these were some cute fucking babies. And the parents looked so incredibly happy.
Phase three? the real kicker? the absolute cold hearted technician who TOOK A CELL PHONE CALL WHILE INSERTING A FUCKING WAND UP MY VAGINA. I realize they were backed up, and she was supposed to leave at 3pm, and her babysitter had to leave because it was already almost 6 o'clock, but for christsake lady, leave the fucking exam room if you need to. In fact, you could have left the exam room while mumbling for me to strip naked!
Oh, phase four was the one that made me cry however.
How do I articulate the pain I felt when she did the sonogram? Squirting the cold gel on my tummy and waving the magic wand....all to display my achingly empty womb. A vast nothingness where I wish more than anything else was a growing fetus. Knowing that for all the times people have giggled at sonogram readouts going "what is that? where is it?"....in this case, there was *nothing* there....truly no little toes to make out, no heart beating, no big alien head. Just emptiness.
I know I'm on the road to getting everything in order, and I know that someday, somehow I will be a mom....but I was definitely not emotionally prepared to handle that little blurb of nothingness on the screen.
