Trying to be...
2003-09-25 - 8:04 a.m.
I have cramps from hell today (perhaps coinciding with yesterday's rant).
Seriously, the past 6 months, the first full day of my period has been absolute hell. Like when I was 16 and had to stay home from school hell.
I am so glad I'm going to the doctor next week. Maybe my body is truly trying to tell me something (she says while trying to not envision every worst-case-scenerio). Could this be endometriosis? Could it be polycystic ovaries? Could this be premature ovarian failure? Could this be a hormonal imbalance?
Christ if I know. What I do know is that as of next month the medical establishment will be able to officially give us the diagnosis of "infertile". We are 11/12 of the way to "unable to successfully conceive after one year of actively trying to get pregnant".
Options Options Options....though they've been in my mind, on my lips, and discussed in the open with my husband, they have never truly entered my heart. I know they are there, and I already have an idea of which I would consider and which I wouldn't, but man, I truly have been holding out hope that I would never need to reach into that goodie bag --
that goodie bag full of hormonal supplements, major hormonal treatments, post-coital vaginal observations, sperm analysis, IVF, adoption, fostercare, surrogate mothers, egg donors, you name it! Its chock full of goods. Its just that I'm feeling very selective as to which goodies I would choose (as in, maybe 3 or 4 of the above list of the above 9 "off the top of my head" options).
In the meantime, I will dope myself up on Alleve, have lunch with a friend, and try to make it through my 11 hour workday that is ahead of me. At least I have tomorrow off!
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In other news, today's "trying to be" ....
I am trying to be a better, more consistant friend!
I miss my friends. Thankfully, they live as busy of lives as I do, and we are forever doing the "when are you free?" "damn, no good for me, what about then" "shit, no good, how about" game. You know that game, don't you?
So I've now realized that due to life's craziness, it is harder to be short-term spontaneous. I am better at either saying "hey, I'm free tonight, how about you!" or "how is three weeks from Tuesday". But the middle ground of planning something 2 or 3 days from now never seems to work. But I'm working on it.
I have my calendar planned for the next month practically. In it, each and every week, I have at least one appointment with a friend. Today I'm having lunch with S. Tomorrow I will see M for a little bit before I catch the train. Next week I have dinner plans with my sister E (she counts as a friend, right? I mean, its not a family gathering, but a girls night out). That weekend we have plans with S&C to congratulate them on their engagement. Four days later, dinner with CG. The following week dinner with SS.
It feels funny planning out dinner with friends nearly a month away. Especially since these are all friends I've had for about 10 years -- back when we were young and hung out all the time, in large groups. Activities were spontaneous and lasted for hours. Big, roaring events full of booze and pot....
Now we're down to coordinating palm pilots and opting for quiet dinners a deux, knowing that we are really there for each others company and conversation.
I much prefer it this way, actually
