Trying to be...
2003-09-19 - 11:09 a.m.
Dear Mom,
You are the best. Seriously, when people tell me "you are just like your mom" I see that as such an incredibly huge compliment.
I just recieved your email...
I can't help but reminisce about your gift of life during the last big hurricane "Floyd".
You are a special young woman!
Such a few words, but so incredibly powerful.
I had forgotten. I mean, not forgotten, but didn't make the connection.
Now I remember it all so clearly. You came in the night before and we went out to dinner. You slept over, so we could get up and ready first thing in the morning. When we woke up, Floyd was hitting, full-force...the winds...the rain...we could not catch a cab for the life of us.
I remember standing on the corner, floodwaters down 3rd avenue. I had that pit in my stomach, scared of the procedure, but knowing that it wasn't about me, it was about her. But then we could not get a cab! It was still dark out. We were soaked. Finally, after what seemed like forever we got a cab and made our way to the hospital.
As we sat in the waiting room, waiting for the pre-procedure procedures, the news was on. The airports were all closed, and I panicked. I knew her window of opportunity was limited. She had gone through major preparations, and her immune system had been blasted in anticipation of my marrow. She had to get it within the next 48 hours. I couldn't bear to think of what might happen if she didn't.
After I was prepped and ready, I remember getting on the table. They were explaining, again, about how they were going to harvest. I told them I was scared of the hurricane - what happens if they are able to take it from me, but not get it where its going? Marrow is only viable outside of the body for 48 hours! Should we postpone the harvest for another 12 hours to see if the airports reopen? They told me not to worry, they would take care of all of that...I just needed to relax.
I remember my mind was racing as I counted backwards...10...9...8...7...
And then I was in the recovery room, and you were by my side. The first words out of my mouth -- Is it still a hurrican outside? You said yes, but not to worry. Everything was fine, they had taken care of everything.
As a true mother does, you were protecting me from your fears. Focusing only on me, my recouperation and comfort, you reassured me. You took care of me. You took me home, but this time I waited inside while you hailed the cab in the pouring rain. The entire rest of the day, as we watched the news reports and the listing of major airports that were closed, you calmed me. I had no idea where my marrow was going - across town or across the country, but still, you were calm. Therefore I was calm.
A few days later, after I got word from the Blood Center that the procedure went off successfully, I called you. It was only then you filled me in on your fears....unknown to me, while i was under anethesia, you were talking to Penny from the Blood Center. She was equally as panicked, and on the phone most of the time with her national office. They had to hire a private plane, and get special clearances to fly out. They were nervous as well....though hopeful as they had never let a transplant expire due to weather, and they were not going to let Floyd get in the way.
But you know, I never knew you were afraid.
To me, that is the epitome of being a good parent. The ability to calm and reassure your child, regardless of what you are feeling inside.
I hope to live up to your example someday. You've set the bar incredibly high.
Love, C
