Trying to be...
2003-09-09 - 9:19 a.m.
So today's obsession has been this email of "How well do you know me"....you know the one, you send it to all of your friends and they answer all these questions about you. What I am realizing is that my friends are all pretty wonderful, and most of them really pay attention to what I have to say. That is a great feeling....I am very fortunate.
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Today I have decided to be lazy. I exercised the past 3 days in a row, and the plan was to leave my apartment in 10 minutes (which given I am still in my bathrobe and typing this, is not going to happen). I was going to go to Curves and then to my noon meeting. Instead, I have decreed today a lazy day, and I will instead stay home fucking around until 11, and then head in directly to my meeting. Is that bad? Probably in the long run, as I really need to get back into the regular work-out routine. But for today, it just feels right.
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So you know the whole addage about a great partnership being only one person can fall apart at a time? That way, one can always take care of the other? D and I are good like that. In the almost 7 years we've been together, we've never both fallen apart at the same time. When he's sick, I nurture him and vise versa. When I'm a needy emotional mess, he takes care of me. When he is stressed out, I know how to calm him back into reality.
Currently, David is falling apart about us not getting pregnant. After 9 months (significant, no?) of him encouraging and soothing me, I am coming to terms with things, and he is starting his own personal freak out. Now is his turn to blame himself, and his turn to mood swing between "let's have sex RIGHT NOW" and "I can't have sex, its too much pressure".
Sunday morning, he looked into my eyes, his own full of tears, and said "I just never thought it would be so hard".
Yesterday, I told him I spoke w/a friend of ours who is 5 months pregnant with her second (the first is only 10 months....these are some close together kiddies!). He got all sad, and said "wow....good for them", but the tone really said "not fair....what about us!". I said "I'm really happy for them, they tried for almost 2 years before they had their first". He said "its always the first that's a struggle, isn't it?" (which isn't true necessarily, but it was not the time to cite examples -- including both of our parents who struggled not with kid #1, but with kid #2....for my parents it took 5 years! For his, they weren't successful at all, which is why they adopted him. For both families, kids #3 were easy "hey, wow....first try!")
If nothing else, this is forcing me to get my own shit together so I can comfort him. I told him first and foremost we have to keep talking about our feelings, keep reassuring each other its neither of our "fault", and that we *will* have a family together some day, some way. Its obvious to see how couples could be torn apart due to infertility. Thankfully, our ability to communicate with each other is already strong - and I think that will be the thing that allows us to weather this, as well as any, storm.
