Trying to be...
2003-07-28 - 9:33 a.m.
Four days of work, and then a long long vacation. This is a good thing.
I am currently so NOT in love with my body. Where did these blobs come from? When did I gain back this weight? Its so funny how we can be so in tuned to our weight loss efforts, and so oblivious to the return. I stepped on the scale at Curves last week and thought "ok, so its 10 pounds higher than your goal weight - that's not unmanageable, and you know what to do, so just recommit, focus, and be healthy. No starving, nothing irrational, just get back to better consistant eating habits".
And you know, all last week that worked. I focused, I planned ahead, I chopped, peeled and prepared fruit and veggies, I ate until satisfied, and felt fresh and light from not being weighed down (pun intended) with junkfood and processed nonsense.
So this weekend I returned to Curves (where I worked all weekend, and I've decided I am no longer liking this barter arrangement. Yeah, the free membership is nice, but now that I've moved, this one weekend a month thing is a total drag. It takes an hour each way, since the trains are less reliable on the weekends, and it really makes me feel like I get NO downtime). Anyway, I weighed myself and it still registered as those same 10 pounds. Fine, ok, not a problem.
UNTIL....all day people were saying "hey, this scale is off...." and I"m thinking "SCORE! Maybe its less than 10 pounds after all!". But no. It was weighing light, meaning that really I'm closer to 13-14 pounds heavier.
I don't know why 3 pounds has me freaking so much more, but it totally does. Somehow, after losing 30 pounds, gaining back 10 seemed like I had caught it early on and before it was tragic. Now realizing that I have gained back half of that weight, it seems daunting. The mind is a terrible thing, I tell you.
Of course, my boobs also weigh about three thousand pounds this week, and I'm really tired...so the reality is that some of this may be PMS weight. But still. I've got to pull my shit together or I've got to realize that I am not meant to stay "small". I like how I FEEL when I'm at my goal weight, not just how I look, and I want to recapture that feeling. When I eat well I feel in control in other areas of my life - like I have say in what happens to me, and I can make choices that are to my benefit.
And lets not even mention the financial piece. I am a cheap-ass person. I hate to spend money on myself. On others? sure. On things for me and D to share? sure. On groceries, restaurants, etc? sure. But on me, nope. And I've given away all of my 16's. All of my 14's. All of my 12's. All of my shirts that were too big and baggy. So this is also a matter of finances. I refuse to walk into a store and have to repurchase a wardrobe that I banished.
So here I am again, recommitting. Trying to pretend those extra 3 pounds on the scale are not an issue, and that by this fall I can be back where I want to be.
See folks, we all have our issues.....
