Trying to be...
2003-07-15 - 8:45 a.m.
wow. 3 days of diary-ing in a row. How impressive.
So today's installment is "trying to be a grown-up." Or perhaps it is "trying to not be a hypocrite." Well, that's pretty strong....maybe its more about "trying to practice what I preach."
See, I'm really good at giving advice. So I seem to think. I give advice for a profession, being a social worker and all. I also supervise a staff of 5 full-time and about 20 consultants, so there too, chock full of advice. I am the family's go-to-gal when they need cheering up, words of wisdom, or just a shoulder. And friends? I like to think they all know that they can call, visit or email me and I'm here to help.
I like this role. It feels natural. Just like its natural for me to pick up my pen with my left hand, it feels natural to help other people work through problems or concerns.
But for myself? well, that's not always as easy. A classic example of "those who can't do, teach" the same advice I dispense to others, I hesitate to do for myself. I'm self-aware enough to know why, but apparantly not quite self-confident enough to follow through.
I *know* that I am having fertility issues. This is clear from my body-cycle patterns. It is clear from the myriad of symptoms I have been exhibiting for the past year or so. It is as clear as that painful cramping and crimson flow I am 'blessed' with every 26-27 days.
So here's the hard part. The follow through.
For anyone else I would be saying "look, this is important to you. Listen to how badly you want to have a family. Don't you think that the sooner you see a doctor the better? If nothing else, just so they can rule out some options? The faster you are treated, the faster you can get your body on track!"
So this is the conversation I have with myself oh, I don't know, 7 times a day with myself.
And then this is the other conversation "But what if something is *really* wrong. I'm too scared to find out. Is now the right time to handle such a blow? Can I handle the stress? Maybe its nothing at all, and if I stop thinking about the possibilities, it will all go away, and wham! we'll be pregnant after all!"
Both conversations are valid. I'm not sure which one to listen to more strongly.
But, today I am trying to start the process. Though they aren't open yet, I've got my list of phone numbers to former doctors to request copies of my medical records. I've emailed girlfriend's to ask for recommendations for good OB/GYN's...not just the "hey, its only a pap-smear, who gives a fuck who is doing it as long as they are gentle", but the "who could I really really trust if this is not so simple" kind of doctors. (as an aside, so far, none of the recommendations accept my insurance. Ain't that always the way?). I've found a Reproductive Endocrinologist who is in my plan, but I know nothing about him other than his credentials. I'm figuring out my cycles, so I can figure out when would be the best times to schedule an appointment (silver lining time, cause that's just in my nature too...always finding it and pointing it out -- one good thing with a clockwork-like cycle, easy to plan doctor's appointments because I know exactly when I'm getting my period).
D and I have started planning too. Drawing lines in the sand. What we are willing to do (basic fertility testing = Yes. Minor hormone therapy = Yes. Charting and monitoring = Yes. Lots of sex = Yes. Sperm checks = Yes. IVF = Probably not Invasive hormone therapy = No. Adoption = Yes, if the above don't work. Foster parents = in the future, but not now. Personally, knowing how badly I want a family, I don't think I could emotionally handle caring for a child knowing that I would have to give them back. I am grateful to know myself well enough to know this in advance)
So these are starts....now I just have to follow through. Be a grown up, practice what I preach, and not be afraid of what I'm going to find.
